Back in action.

We just returned from a small vacation as a family. It was fun and crazy. I am trying bit by bit to find more enjoyment in the small things in life. I have begun to see the changes that the reading the book of Mormon daily has had on my life and anxiety. I know that we are here on this earth to find happiness. I know that the plan of salvation is also called the plan of happiness. Living the gospel and finding the gospel centered focus that scripture reading can bring, brings true and lasting happiness. I have begun climbing uphill and no longer sitting down at the bottom wondering "why all this is happening to me?" I will trust in my Heavenly Father and his plan for my life!

Life used to be so easy!

Today my daughter asked me "Mommy don't you wish we could fly?" I thought about it and responded "yes, sometimes" She got mad because she REALLY, REALLY wishes we could fly. I remember as a child wishing I could fly so bad! Now as an adult that seems a lot less important.
Not only was life easier as a child, but so was having faith. In the scriptures it tells us to come unto Christ as a little child, humble, meek and submissive. When we were children it was so easy to just KNOW that the Savior loved us. Now as adults we have been kicked around by life and have lost some of that innocence. I guess that is one of the true tests in this life, do we still have faith even after all of our trials?

Life...

Tonight for FHE we learned about faith. We also practiced the song "Faith" from the primary songbook. This was so relevant to me, in the midst of my latest 'heightened anxiety'!

Faith is knowing the sun will rise lighting each new day
Faith is knowing the Lord will hear my prayers each time I pray
Faith is like a little seed If planted, it will grow
Faith is a swelling within my heart When I do right I know

I know the Lord will not take away my problems, but He will give me the tools to handle them. Sometimes I think if we just have a small amount of faith and give all that we can give, the Savior will make up the difference. I know that my faith is no where near Alma or Nephi's but I am giving all I can right now! Tonight as I taught that lesson to my children I thought about how easy the gospel is... whenever we are struggling and in the midst of difficult times we need to get back to the basics that are taught in primary.

Nothing is as wonderful as a new baby!

My two sisters have recently had babies, as I hold them I yearn for another. I LOVE newborn babies. I intensely remember the moment they laid each of my three children in my arms for the first time having that powerful experience of love come into my heart. I felt like I was remembering the love for that child and spirit I have always had for them, something I have always felt and known. Moments after each child's birth I literally cannot remember what it was like to not have that child apart of my life. There is such a deep spiritual connection between a mother and her child and each birth has been one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. I know I want more children, I know there are more spirits, I also know that having them will not be without challenges and struggles. I know that when I look at each one of my children I would go through those difficult pregnancies again for each one of them 1,000 times because I love them that much!

My personal Book of Mormon challenge...

I have decided to challenge myself to read the Book of Mormon by my birthday. I will start tonight and that gives me a little over 3 months. I know that in times past when I have poured over my scriptures instead of just 'reading so I can mention it in Sunday school' Changes have come into my life that have power, my spirit is literally shaped into something it longs to be. I will keep you updated on my progress!

Sometimes He lets it rain.

Sometimes He lets it rain
He lets the fierce winds blow
Sometimes it takes a storm
to lead a heart where it can grow

He can move mountains of grief
and oceans of pain.
But sometimes he lets it rain.

When her heart surrenders
to the master in control
Her spirit learns the lessons
and the tempest in her soul

when it's no longer raging
She can see how far she's come
through the wisdom and
the mercy of the son

Sung by- Katherine Nelson

I feel this is the 'theme' song for my life lately! I suppose without the 'rain' my heart will never grow to where it needs to be! I was touched so deeply when I heard this song and I hope it can be of comfort to you as well!

You inspire me.

I love this video and am deeply touched by it! I just know if we were to meet we would become dear friends!

Time to dust her off...

I have been HORRIBLE about updating this blog!!! I think part of it is that NO ONE knows I write it! Anyway, this really is for me and my journey. Last night I talked to my sister about life. We laughed and cried and I told her about the journey I have been through these past years. I find myself often wondering... why me? Why do I have these specific trials? I find it hard to explain all that I go through and all of the pain I feel sometimes. My husband travels for his job and is gone half of the week in another state. This has been harder than I ever imagined. I am constantly overwhelmed by life and taking care of my family. I have three children and the thought of more paralyzes me with fear. I CANNOT HAVE PANIC ATTACKS DOMINATE MY LIFE!!! When I am pregnant anxiety rules my life. I seek refuge in the Savior and while that offers me comfort it does not take away the trial. My mother who is full of wisdom always tells me "anything in this life worthwhile is DIFFICULT." I know that is true.

Compassion

Today while on facebook I saw a good friend write about how her mother was headed into surgery... I did not think much of it. Later when I logged back on I saw that her mother had passed away. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I started to cry and hurt because I could only imagine what it would be like to lose your mother.

Here I am hours later thinking and contemplating what pain she is experiencing and how radically different her life will be without her mother. I started to think about our Savior's love for us. If I hurt this bad for a friend of mine whom I have not seen in years how does He feel when we hurt? I know He loves us so much more than we are capable of loving each other. Today I am grateful for the plan of happiness. I am grateful for the sweet peace the gospel brings. It is in times like these that we truly see the blessing the gospel brings to us and the happiness we can find in it!

"Really, it's 2 AM could you please shut-up so I can sleep?"

Two nights ago I could not sleep. I know I am not the ONLY person that struggles with not sleeping. I hate it when I begin to drift off and one of my kids wakes me up! That happened twice and by 2:00 am I had chatty mind syndrome I also call CMS and was about to beat myself because "really its 2 am could you please shut-up so I can sleep?" I let my mind drift off and start to worry about all things I struggle with in life.
During testimony meeting this past week a girl got up and bore her testimony. Although I was struggling to keep my kids at bay I listened to her simple testimony about trials. She said that we are given trials that are unique to each of us, and those trials we are given are for us to overcome with the help of the Savior. Not for us to overcome by ourselves. We are given trials to help us draw nearer to Him.


So here is my problem: All my trials seem to pull me away

I know the Sunday school solution to this problem. I need the practical one!
Back to the story: So by 3 am I was pretty sure someone was breaking into my house to kill me (another problem I struggle with is I am ALWAYS sure someone wants to kill me, and every sound in the house at night is a burglar!) Too many episodes of Dateline, and Forensic files!
So in my sleep deprived state I came up with this... Someone is not going to kill me tonight. And I must be pretty special to my Heavenly Father. If my life was easier and I had fewer trials then I guess I think... I don't need to grow and develop into anything special because the Lord does not have much planned for me. But I know He does. I can feel it in my heart. I know I play an intricate role in this life, I know we all do!

If I write it down... there is more pressure to do it!

I usually want to scream when people write all their new year's resolutions.  I tend to think it is a private matter.  That being said I am going to list a few non-personal resolutions that I will work on.

1.  Get on a plane oh and fly somewhere!
2.  Run a 5K
3.  Enjoy a vacation without any panic attacks!!

So that's it.  No lose 15 lbs and other nonsense.  Just a few goals that will be difficult for me!