Running...

I am not a person who professes to love running. I might go so far as to say I hate it! But since the birth of my last child almost 8 months ago. I have been a little less than enthused about my body. I now have the mommy tummy, fat pack, pooch, roll, bulge whatever you want to call it! I started running 6 months ago after my recovery from my C-section and I mainly power walked for about 3 months. I decided one day that instead of running so I could look good and get all those sought after post baby compliments like "ooooh you are so skinny, did you ADOPT?" I would run for myself as a sort of therapy-like time. So I get my iPod on with Hannah Montana and church pop (don't hate) and run. It's hard to describe how my evolution from hate has become something I love. Today 7 months and 20 days after the birth of my 4th child I am back to my pre-prego weight!!! I am so proud of myself! I still have the pooch (in smaller form) And I can say... I accomplished something and worked my butt off (literally) to do it! Call it a runners high but I actually enjoyed running today!

A big scare can promote faith!

The other day while driving I was in an accident! Now before you worry it was not too bad! After the collision I got out shaking... All I could think was "WOW Heavenly Father must really be watching out for us!" I have never figured out while during hard, scary, lonely, and times when someone passes away we always feel our Heavenly Father's love the most! I did not sleep that night (I should add I was on the phone until 2 arranging a rental car, and dealing with my insurance) I just kept thinking what if... It's a mean game to play with yourself and one you will always lose but I could not help it! I am so grateful to be alive to have a chance to raise my children and to become a better person. Now I'd better go I am making dinner for my VT companion she just had a baby! Don't worry I'm not that righteous I already swore like 3 times today and drank a Dr. Pepper!!!!!

No I have not fallen off the earth!

Here are my thoughts for tonight...

Why can't Heavenly Father just let us know He exists? Why do we need Faith?

How is it possible to love our children so much and know that someday we will die and leave them?

Why is life so full of trials?

Of course I REALLY do know the Sunday school answers to all of these questions. But sometimes I feel like life is so overwhelmingly hard! Tonight while I was putting my children to bed I sang "Teach me to walk in the light" and thought about how my parents have taught me to walk in the light. I do know the gospel is true but I find myself sometimes wondering why if I know all this don't I FEEL more deep enjoyment in my life? I am happy most of the time but I still feel underneath there is a flood of pain and sometime anger. I guess I have finally had to admit to myself that I am mad, mad that life is not fair. I am mad that I hate to fly on airplanes, mad that I lost my unwavering faith, and mad that if my Heavenly Father loves me so much why, why do I have days where all I can do is stay in bed and endure panic attack after panic attack. There I said it. I am mad.

Now what?

How do I restore what has been lost? Where do I find myself again? Will I ever overcome all of this? Sometimes I feel like I jumped off a diving board into the deep end. I still don't know which way is up so I float. I don't struggle, I don't fight, I just float and wait for rescue. I guess that's the problem I have to do something in order to be rescued.

Someday I will but I think for tonight, I'll just go to bed!

Lyn