No I have not fallen off the earth!

Here are my thoughts for tonight...

Why can't Heavenly Father just let us know He exists? Why do we need Faith?

How is it possible to love our children so much and know that someday we will die and leave them?

Why is life so full of trials?

Of course I REALLY do know the Sunday school answers to all of these questions. But sometimes I feel like life is so overwhelmingly hard! Tonight while I was putting my children to bed I sang "Teach me to walk in the light" and thought about how my parents have taught me to walk in the light. I do know the gospel is true but I find myself sometimes wondering why if I know all this don't I FEEL more deep enjoyment in my life? I am happy most of the time but I still feel underneath there is a flood of pain and sometime anger. I guess I have finally had to admit to myself that I am mad, mad that life is not fair. I am mad that I hate to fly on airplanes, mad that I lost my unwavering faith, and mad that if my Heavenly Father loves me so much why, why do I have days where all I can do is stay in bed and endure panic attack after panic attack. There I said it. I am mad.

Now what?

How do I restore what has been lost? Where do I find myself again? Will I ever overcome all of this? Sometimes I feel like I jumped off a diving board into the deep end. I still don't know which way is up so I float. I don't struggle, I don't fight, I just float and wait for rescue. I guess that's the problem I have to do something in order to be rescued.

Someday I will but I think for tonight, I'll just go to bed!

Lyn