Back in action.

We just returned from a small vacation as a family. It was fun and crazy. I am trying bit by bit to find more enjoyment in the small things in life. I have begun to see the changes that the reading the book of Mormon daily has had on my life and anxiety. I know that we are here on this earth to find happiness. I know that the plan of salvation is also called the plan of happiness. Living the gospel and finding the gospel centered focus that scripture reading can bring, brings true and lasting happiness. I have begun climbing uphill and no longer sitting down at the bottom wondering "why all this is happening to me?" I will trust in my Heavenly Father and his plan for my life!

Life used to be so easy!

Today my daughter asked me "Mommy don't you wish we could fly?" I thought about it and responded "yes, sometimes" She got mad because she REALLY, REALLY wishes we could fly. I remember as a child wishing I could fly so bad! Now as an adult that seems a lot less important.
Not only was life easier as a child, but so was having faith. In the scriptures it tells us to come unto Christ as a little child, humble, meek and submissive. When we were children it was so easy to just KNOW that the Savior loved us. Now as adults we have been kicked around by life and have lost some of that innocence. I guess that is one of the true tests in this life, do we still have faith even after all of our trials?

Life...

Tonight for FHE we learned about faith. We also practiced the song "Faith" from the primary songbook. This was so relevant to me, in the midst of my latest 'heightened anxiety'!

Faith is knowing the sun will rise lighting each new day
Faith is knowing the Lord will hear my prayers each time I pray
Faith is like a little seed If planted, it will grow
Faith is a swelling within my heart When I do right I know

I know the Lord will not take away my problems, but He will give me the tools to handle them. Sometimes I think if we just have a small amount of faith and give all that we can give, the Savior will make up the difference. I know that my faith is no where near Alma or Nephi's but I am giving all I can right now! Tonight as I taught that lesson to my children I thought about how easy the gospel is... whenever we are struggling and in the midst of difficult times we need to get back to the basics that are taught in primary.

Nothing is as wonderful as a new baby!

My two sisters have recently had babies, as I hold them I yearn for another. I LOVE newborn babies. I intensely remember the moment they laid each of my three children in my arms for the first time having that powerful experience of love come into my heart. I felt like I was remembering the love for that child and spirit I have always had for them, something I have always felt and known. Moments after each child's birth I literally cannot remember what it was like to not have that child apart of my life. There is such a deep spiritual connection between a mother and her child and each birth has been one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. I know I want more children, I know there are more spirits, I also know that having them will not be without challenges and struggles. I know that when I look at each one of my children I would go through those difficult pregnancies again for each one of them 1,000 times because I love them that much!

My personal Book of Mormon challenge...

I have decided to challenge myself to read the Book of Mormon by my birthday. I will start tonight and that gives me a little over 3 months. I know that in times past when I have poured over my scriptures instead of just 'reading so I can mention it in Sunday school' Changes have come into my life that have power, my spirit is literally shaped into something it longs to be. I will keep you updated on my progress!

Sometimes He lets it rain.

Sometimes He lets it rain
He lets the fierce winds blow
Sometimes it takes a storm
to lead a heart where it can grow

He can move mountains of grief
and oceans of pain.
But sometimes he lets it rain.

When her heart surrenders
to the master in control
Her spirit learns the lessons
and the tempest in her soul

when it's no longer raging
She can see how far she's come
through the wisdom and
the mercy of the son

Sung by- Katherine Nelson

I feel this is the 'theme' song for my life lately! I suppose without the 'rain' my heart will never grow to where it needs to be! I was touched so deeply when I heard this song and I hope it can be of comfort to you as well!

You inspire me.

I love this video and am deeply touched by it! I just know if we were to meet we would become dear friends!

Time to dust her off...

I have been HORRIBLE about updating this blog!!! I think part of it is that NO ONE knows I write it! Anyway, this really is for me and my journey. Last night I talked to my sister about life. We laughed and cried and I told her about the journey I have been through these past years. I find myself often wondering... why me? Why do I have these specific trials? I find it hard to explain all that I go through and all of the pain I feel sometimes. My husband travels for his job and is gone half of the week in another state. This has been harder than I ever imagined. I am constantly overwhelmed by life and taking care of my family. I have three children and the thought of more paralyzes me with fear. I CANNOT HAVE PANIC ATTACKS DOMINATE MY LIFE!!! When I am pregnant anxiety rules my life. I seek refuge in the Savior and while that offers me comfort it does not take away the trial. My mother who is full of wisdom always tells me "anything in this life worthwhile is DIFFICULT." I know that is true.

Compassion

Today while on facebook I saw a good friend write about how her mother was headed into surgery... I did not think much of it. Later when I logged back on I saw that her mother had passed away. I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. I started to cry and hurt because I could only imagine what it would be like to lose your mother.

Here I am hours later thinking and contemplating what pain she is experiencing and how radically different her life will be without her mother. I started to think about our Savior's love for us. If I hurt this bad for a friend of mine whom I have not seen in years how does He feel when we hurt? I know He loves us so much more than we are capable of loving each other. Today I am grateful for the plan of happiness. I am grateful for the sweet peace the gospel brings. It is in times like these that we truly see the blessing the gospel brings to us and the happiness we can find in it!

"Really, it's 2 AM could you please shut-up so I can sleep?"

Two nights ago I could not sleep. I know I am not the ONLY person that struggles with not sleeping. I hate it when I begin to drift off and one of my kids wakes me up! That happened twice and by 2:00 am I had chatty mind syndrome I also call CMS and was about to beat myself because "really its 2 am could you please shut-up so I can sleep?" I let my mind drift off and start to worry about all things I struggle with in life.
During testimony meeting this past week a girl got up and bore her testimony. Although I was struggling to keep my kids at bay I listened to her simple testimony about trials. She said that we are given trials that are unique to each of us, and those trials we are given are for us to overcome with the help of the Savior. Not for us to overcome by ourselves. We are given trials to help us draw nearer to Him.


So here is my problem: All my trials seem to pull me away

I know the Sunday school solution to this problem. I need the practical one!
Back to the story: So by 3 am I was pretty sure someone was breaking into my house to kill me (another problem I struggle with is I am ALWAYS sure someone wants to kill me, and every sound in the house at night is a burglar!) Too many episodes of Dateline, and Forensic files!
So in my sleep deprived state I came up with this... Someone is not going to kill me tonight. And I must be pretty special to my Heavenly Father. If my life was easier and I had fewer trials then I guess I think... I don't need to grow and develop into anything special because the Lord does not have much planned for me. But I know He does. I can feel it in my heart. I know I play an intricate role in this life, I know we all do!

If I write it down... there is more pressure to do it!

I usually want to scream when people write all their new year's resolutions.  I tend to think it is a private matter.  That being said I am going to list a few non-personal resolutions that I will work on.

1.  Get on a plane oh and fly somewhere!
2.  Run a 5K
3.  Enjoy a vacation without any panic attacks!!

So that's it.  No lose 15 lbs and other nonsense.  Just a few goals that will be difficult for me!

Back handed compliments still hurt!!

A 'dear' friend of mine and I were talking the other day. She commented on how many wonderful things my children had received for Christmas. I thought she was praising me for my bargain hunting abilities. Which I should mention are stellar!! And then she started talking about how her and her husband decided that there is too much materialism in the world and they were not going to be part of it. So they decided to have a Christmas centered on Christ and not go crazy like I had and buy too much. At first I was pissed off. I thought "really, didn’t you just get back from Disneyland, another trip to Utah and a $600 bike stroller?" and now you are trying to cut down on the materialism? Ironic.


I just thought for a second about how to respond... And then I thought well "too bad we can't all be as proud of being humble as you are!!" Before I ruined a friendship by saying that I thought... Saying you are having a Christ centered Christmas and then acting like a jerk means nothing. I made the decision to focus on the Savior and I ment it. I didn’t go around telling people (until now!) I wanted my actions to show it.
By no means do I think I am more righteous than her... but sometimes outwardly acting REALLY righteous does not make you so.
My new Christmas wish this year... Find friends that actually like me!

Do you have room for the Savior?

I was so touched by this video.  I wanted to share it!

The most wonderful time of the year!

Since this is after all, "the most wonderful time of the year!" I have been busy getting ready for Christmas! Oh, yeah also... we moved. Ahhhh I hate moving but I think pretty much everyone does!

Lately I have been feeling a little gypped because in all the moving commotion I haven't had much time to sit down and feel the Christmas spirit. Last night we went to the Mormon Tabernacle choir concert. As I listened to the carols (kid free yay!) I felt it. I sat there and knew that this was His season. I was so grateful for the gospel and for all that I have because of it! They sang the song "Oh, Little town of Bethlehem" and you could not help but feel the spirit. It was so strong. I sat there imagining that wondrous night when He was born. How must Mary have felt knowing she had just given birth to the Savior of the world. He truly is the light of the world. He is my Savior and friend!
I hope and pray that this holiday season His love will be with you, that you will feel it in your hearts and homes. I hope that it will fill you with power and strength as it does for me. I know that He lived, that He walked the shores of Galilee long ago, and was born in Bethlehem. I know He knows each one of us and is always mindful of us. I love this season and hope that you take some time to feel the spirit of this, His holiday season!
Merry Christmas!
Lyn

I love fall!

I have been busy! I got the swine flu finally recovered after a few weeks! It's nasty! You do not want it trust me!
We went up to the mountains and saw all of the fall colors! Hard to describe how beautiful fall can be, but it was breathtaking! I love fall it's such a wonderful time of year! I love the leaves changing and all of the fun like Halloween, pumpkin carving, and caramel apple cider!
I once saw a sign that said "Fall a season for change" Now every fall I always think about things I need to change. This year I want to focus on having more charity, not in the Sunday school answer way but really truly having charity. The other day I was talking to a friend and after getting off the phone I complained to my husband for 20 min about how annoying this particular friend can be. I was thinking about that today and how I always sit in church and judge people. If I notice someone gets something new I think "I need a new dress too" instead of being happy for them. I struggle to see the best in people because I guess it makes me feel smaller in some weird way. I want to be happy for others and see the best in them. How do I gain more charity? How do I feel more love for others? I am sure part of it is finding more love for myself. So this fall in honor of my favorite season and all the beauty it holds... I am going to find the beauty in others! Wish me luck!

Running...

I am not a person who professes to love running. I might go so far as to say I hate it! But since the birth of my last child almost 8 months ago. I have been a little less than enthused about my body. I now have the mommy tummy, fat pack, pooch, roll, bulge whatever you want to call it! I started running 6 months ago after my recovery from my C-section and I mainly power walked for about 3 months. I decided one day that instead of running so I could look good and get all those sought after post baby compliments like "ooooh you are so skinny, did you ADOPT?" I would run for myself as a sort of therapy-like time. So I get my iPod on with Hannah Montana and church pop (don't hate) and run. It's hard to describe how my evolution from hate has become something I love. Today 7 months and 20 days after the birth of my 4th child I am back to my pre-prego weight!!! I am so proud of myself! I still have the pooch (in smaller form) And I can say... I accomplished something and worked my butt off (literally) to do it! Call it a runners high but I actually enjoyed running today!

A big scare can promote faith!

The other day while driving I was in an accident! Now before you worry it was not too bad! After the collision I got out shaking... All I could think was "WOW Heavenly Father must really be watching out for us!" I have never figured out while during hard, scary, lonely, and times when someone passes away we always feel our Heavenly Father's love the most! I did not sleep that night (I should add I was on the phone until 2 arranging a rental car, and dealing with my insurance) I just kept thinking what if... It's a mean game to play with yourself and one you will always lose but I could not help it! I am so grateful to be alive to have a chance to raise my children and to become a better person. Now I'd better go I am making dinner for my VT companion she just had a baby! Don't worry I'm not that righteous I already swore like 3 times today and drank a Dr. Pepper!!!!!

No I have not fallen off the earth!

Here are my thoughts for tonight...

Why can't Heavenly Father just let us know He exists? Why do we need Faith?

How is it possible to love our children so much and know that someday we will die and leave them?

Why is life so full of trials?

Of course I REALLY do know the Sunday school answers to all of these questions. But sometimes I feel like life is so overwhelmingly hard! Tonight while I was putting my children to bed I sang "Teach me to walk in the light" and thought about how my parents have taught me to walk in the light. I do know the gospel is true but I find myself sometimes wondering why if I know all this don't I FEEL more deep enjoyment in my life? I am happy most of the time but I still feel underneath there is a flood of pain and sometime anger. I guess I have finally had to admit to myself that I am mad, mad that life is not fair. I am mad that I hate to fly on airplanes, mad that I lost my unwavering faith, and mad that if my Heavenly Father loves me so much why, why do I have days where all I can do is stay in bed and endure panic attack after panic attack. There I said it. I am mad.

Now what?

How do I restore what has been lost? Where do I find myself again? Will I ever overcome all of this? Sometimes I feel like I jumped off a diving board into the deep end. I still don't know which way is up so I float. I don't struggle, I don't fight, I just float and wait for rescue. I guess that's the problem I have to do something in order to be rescued.

Someday I will but I think for tonight, I'll just go to bed!

Lyn

Why do I get annoyed so easily?

Well today was rather unproductive! I slept in, went shopping, and attended a ward fundraiser dinner. I had volunteered to do a photo shoot for whom ever wanted to pay top dollar for my photage skills (which are limited) and a friend of mine whom I had shot photo's for told me she would bring one to show my work. Well she took my photo and edited it on her own. Now I want to say she did a good job but it was a HORRIBLE representation of my artistic style!!!! I was furious when she came up proudly and announced that she had edited my photo! I love color, I love black and white but I hate when people make photo's look almost cartoon... She had the contrast so high it no longer looked like a normal photo. So here I was at a ward party all bent out of shape! What could I do? Get annoyed and ruin the party for myself! Typical ughhhhh!!!

My latest panic attack!

The other night I had a shower of sorts for the girl I visit teach. I had some 'issues' while getting ready... my son took the fondant which I had planned on using to make the AMAZING cake I had planned. I looked, and looked, and looked for almost an hour trying to find it. Could not! Still have not a week later. So I gave up and had a less than amazing cake. Oh well! Anyways it was a really stressful day and by bedtime they were back. Sweating at 1:00 am I got my husband up and told him I was having panic attacks. I don't know why. The stress had subsided and yet I found myself having them. I asked him to come into my children's bathroom (the only room I felt safe in) where we talked about it. I felt bad he had to get up at 4:00 am and here I was with my 'issues' again. After talking I felt better... But I resent myself. I wish I could cope with life better. I have always wanted to be one of those women who can do EVERYTHING! And the realization that I cannot because I can't handle it is really hard. I prayed, my husband gave me a blessing, and I read my scriptures. I felt better... not healed. But I slept and that was something!